Dr Susan Jeffers’ trademarked title Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway®* has become so much a part of our everyday language that it seems incredible it’s only 20 years since the earth-shaking life-affirming manual hit bookshelves. Like all classics, it’s as relevant today and tomorrow as it was when it was arrived on the self-help scene. No wonder that Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway® has become a mantra for those who want to lead better lives. By Marie-Louise Cook.
The woman dubbed the ‘Queen of Self-Help’ is at home in California the day I call. Unlike British royalty, it’s surprisingly easy to get hold of Dr Susan Jeffers – there are no minions, lackeys or gatekeepers to deal with – when I call, she answers the phone herself and laughs when I am surprised. Laughter is a big part of an interview with Susan Jeffers – another surprise – and in fact, when we finish talking, she urges me to go and see the musical Spamalot, insisting I will love it so much that I’ll call her and thank her for the suggestion. It’s just one of the many excellent recommendations she provides during the interview.
Personal Success: How did you come up with the phrase ‘Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway®’?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘For 10 years, I was the Executive Director of The Floating Hospital in Manhattan [which provides healthcare for the poor in New York]. During that same time, I attended workshop after workshop seeking ways to push through the many fears I had at the time. In those 10 years, I learned so much.
‘One day, I was sitting in my office and the thought came into my head “Go down to the New School for Social Research.” Where the thought came from, I really didn’t know. At the time, I was taking a workshop about intuition, which suggested I pay attention to and act upon the thoughts that came into my head.
‘I said to myself, “Okay, why should I be going down there? I have no idea – maybe they have a great workshop that I should be attending.” So, I put on my coat, and told my secretary that I was going to the New School. She said, “Why?” and I said, “I haven’t a clue.” I didn’t even know where it was. I got into a cab, which took me there.
‘I looked at the bulletin board in the lobby and saw the Department of Human Resources and thought, “That feels right.” So, that’s where I went. Nobody was at the front desk but there was a woman in the office to the right and she said to me, “Can I help you?” I swear to you, I don’t know where the words came from but I said, “I’m here to teach a course on fear.”
‘Here’s the shock: she looked at me and said, “I can’t believe it! I have been searching for somebody to teach a course on fear and today is the last day to put it into the catalogue and I have to leave in 15 minutes.” Her name was Ruth Van Doren and both of us were in a state of shock. She asked for my credentials of course and then said, “Quick, write 75 words about this course that you’re going to teach,” which I did. And on the spot, I entitled it ‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’.
‘It was then that I realised the power of following your intuition. First, I hadn’t set out to teach a course on fear. If I had set out to teach a course on fear, I would have gone to Hunter College where I got my undergraduate degree or Columbia University where I got my Doctorate – I wouldn’t have gone to an unfamiliar place, the New School. I didn’t even know where it was.
‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ was a 13-week course and I taped it. Again, intuition. I taped it with a little handheld recorder so I had the whole 13 weeks on tape.’
And did you then think, ‘Aha, this will be a good book’?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Yes. Later, I tried to sell the book. Boy, that experience taught me a lot about not letting rejection stop you. Nobody wanted to buy it. I had agents and publishers reject it and I guess my best rejection letter or worst, depending on how you look at it, was from an English publisher who said, “Lady Di could be bicycling nude, giving this book away and nobody would read it.”’ (Laughs)
And yet, you recovered from that!
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘I recovered. I think it’s a great story for people who are worried about rejection. If you feel good about what you are doing and feel it can help the world in some way, then push on.’
Many people would have given up at that point.
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Actually, I did put the book away for a few years. It was in a drawer and one day I was cleaning out the drawer and I pulled it out – you can see how often I clean my drawers (laughs) – in any case, I looked over it and I thought, “This book has something important to say and will help the world so I am going to get it out there.”
‘That time I succeeded. I thought later that maybe it wasn’t that the world wasn’t ready for it. Maybe in the beginning, I wasn’t ready for it to get out there. When I finally did get it out there, I was ready.’
What was the reception to it?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Oh very, very, very positive. People around the world just picked it up. It’s now in 100 countries, 36 languages and it’s celebrating its twentieth year. I get mail every single day from all over the world and I have to tell you, I sit here in tears. My husband [media entrepreneur and TV producer Mark Shelmerdine] says, “Oh, you got another fan letter!”
‘I’ve had people tell me that it saved their lives – they were contemplating suicide – and I go to the book and flick through it thinking, “What is in here that would do that?” I think the advice I give is very good. Obviously, it worked for me so well and I knew it worked for others but to say, “It saved my life”… I think, “Wow, I don’t know what it is, but I feel blessed to have been able to help.”’
You survived divorce and later breast cancer and you flourished. What other fearful events have you faced and overcome in your life?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘I think all of us feel fear almost every day of our lives about something or other. Once you realise that fear isn’t something that will stop you and that there are tools to make you feel really better about yourself and that you can handle whatever life brings you, the fear really doesn’t matter. I’ve had fears about money, fears about losing people that I love, fears when I was raising my children … I’ve had fears about doing a talk, which was a big fear, and over the years, I have pushed through that one. What I’ve learned is the more you do something you are afraid of doing, the less you are afraid of doing it. That’s one of my five Fear Truths…the only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.’
Are there still things in your life that you fear?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘When I was a little girl, my parents didn’t have much money. My mother was always telling me that money doesn’t grow on trees. (Laughs) I think I’ve always had a fear about not having money but I think that in my case, it’s been a very positive factor because it’s pushed me out there. I say to myself, “Okay, if I don’t feel the fear and keep pushing the manuscripts out there I’m not going to help people. Nor am I going to be able to earn money.” I’ve used fear in a positive way.
‘Fear is such a common thing. If we could just accept that fear is part of life and then collect the tools to help us push past all our fears, we can all become stronger, more loving people. That’s the key. With the proper tools, we can push through all our fears.
‘One of my own plunging-into-fear things is to take more time off. I’m a workaholic and I am learning to take more time off to relax and play. We’re coming to the UK this summer for a vacation, not to work.’ (Laughs)
It’s a nice fear to have to confront.
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Yes but it is fearful. When you are constantly working and you start pulling away, you feel, “Ah, got to get back, got to get back.” It’s just change, something new, that creates the fear.
‘My husband and I are now working together. It’s wonderful. We have started our own publishing company, Jeffers Press. We’re not only publishing my books but other people’s books too. Talk about “feeling the fear and doing it anyway” – it was fearful to plunge into a new business, but I’m so proud of the books by other people that we’ve published so far. I’ve written 18 books so that if a new book of mine comes out, I think, “That’s nice.” But when we published the wonderful Shortcut to a Miracle, which is a timely book about the Laws of the Universe, including the Law of Attraction, we went to Chicago for the book launch that the two authors had created. It was their first book and to be there watching their excitement filled my heart with joy. I thought, “That’s fabulous!”’
What exercises would you recommend people do when they are confronted by fear, perhaps when they are about to deliver a presentation?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘On my website [www.susanjeffers.com], there’s a booklet I composed about affirmations that’s free to download. I love affirmations. People can use positive affirmations to overcome the negative talk in their heads – the “Chatterbox” I call it. Affirmations are really quite incredible. Someone going out on a stage can repeat the affirmation, “Whatever happens, I’ll handle it.”
‘They could also say “I’m giving my love away.” They are giving something away rather than expecting something back. That’s a very powerful one and it means if some people like you, great, if some people don’t, great. You’re just giving your love away.
‘I remember I had to give a talk at Madison Square Gardens and there were thousands and thousands of people in the audience. I was there with a number of other speakers and each of us was to speak for an hour and a half. As I was about to walk onto the stage, my husband gave me a big kiss and said, “You’re going to be the best.” That didn’t feel right so I whispered to him, “Thank you, honey, and I appreciate it, but the next time, just tell me I’ll be good enough.” And I felt relief. It’s the competition; the pushing to be the best rather than just giving away our love that makes us anxious and puts us at a disadvantage. If we could all be there just giving away our love, that would make us all feel wonderful.
‘I love the example of the Broadway actress, Mary Martin, who used to peek at her audience before she went out on to the stage and project the words, “I love you… I love you… I love you…” and it would take away all her fear. Compare that to another actress who hadn’t learned this wonderful tool and would throw up before every performance.’
That ties in with your idea of “embracing uncertainty”, of not having expectations about the outcome.
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘I feel expectations for the most part create so much of our unhappiness. Because we’re not in control of what happens in the outside world. We can do our very, very, very best but there is so much that we cannot control. One thing we can control is our reaction to whatever happens to us. That gives us incredible power. We have a choice: are we going to feel miserable about something that doesn’t go our way or are we going to say, “Okay, this happened. How can I learn from it? How can I grow from it? How can I make it a triumph?” Those three questions are very powerful. I’ve learned that if you change your thinking, you can change your experience of life.’
So it’s about changing your state of mind if you’re feeling worried or scared?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Yes. It’s also important to “Let go of the outcome.” I don’t mean don’t work to do the best you can. First, it helps us to grow to do the very best that we can. If it doesn’t work out the way we want it to – that’s just life. We grow from it, move on and it’s part of what makes us strong. For example, my divorce from my first husband… it was very painful but oh, I learnt from it. It was probably one of the most enriching parts of my life because I decided, “Okay, this has happened. I’m going to become stronger.” And I certainly did become stronger.
‘In my books, I always combine the two words “power” and “love” and I think the more confidence we have in ourselves to handle whatever happens, the more loving we become and the less needy we are. In my love book, The Feel The Fear Guide To Lasting Love (Vermillion, 2005) I wrote that neediness is so destructive in love; it’s also so destructive in work and with friends. The more confidence that we have in ourselves to handle whatever happens, the more we can love. We can let go of the destructive emotions of anger, the need to control, jealousy, and so on. We can let go and say to ourselves, “Well, I’m going to love. No games. If this person doesn’t return my love, I know I can handle it all. There are so many beautiful people to love.”’
Surely, being detached from the results encourages a sense of helplessness or passiveness about your ability to achieve anything?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘I’m not talking about detachment. You have to allow your pain. When a relationship ends, it’s painful. Allow the tears knowing you will get to the other side. That’s what’s important. It’s not about denial. It’s not pseudo-positive thinking; it’s acknowledging the pain. It’s not the crying of, “No, how can this happen to me?” It’s the crying of, “Yes, this happened to me and I will make something wonderful out of it. I will ultimately get to the other side.”
‘You have to learn that whatever happens is for your highest good. There’s a prayer in my latest newsletter which says, “No matter what happens in my life, I trust that it’s for my highest good and no matter what happens in the lives of those I love, I trust that it’s for their highest good.” You do your best and you let go. That’s not helplessness because you cannot control everything out there but you can absolutely control your reaction to it. You can appreciate and feel blessed with what you have or you can make yourself miserable.’
What have you learnt about courage and the most effective ways of instilling or unleashing that quality in other people?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Courage to me is pushing through fear. There are so many tools to help us do that, many of which are included in my books. For example, expanding your comfort zone. Every day, just do a little something that you are a little uncomfortable doing because of fear. Do it because you then expand what you are comfortable with. That’s very important.
‘Also, never see yourself as a victim. We have to learn to take responsibility for our reactions to what happens to us in life. We have to use the tools to create a very rich life so that if something goes bad in one area there’s a whole other part of our lives that will sustain us. For example, when my daughter was in her twenties, she broke up with somebody and she called me and she was crying. She was very upset. All of a sudden, she stopped crying and said, “Oh I’ve got to go – I’m volunteering today at Habitat for Humanity. Bye Mom.” She had something meaningful in her life besides her relationship. So, her life wasn’t empty.
‘I have tools in all my books – I think in Embracing Uncertainty (Hodder Mobius, 2003), there are 42. They are all meant to give us strength and from that strength, there’s the love. I think that loving yourself is not about being selfish. It comes from understanding that you make a difference in the world. That helps us to love. I think that when people don’t do good things – certain politicians, for example – it’s because they don’t understand how important they are in this world. The point is the more we understand we make a difference, the better we behave. When you teach that to young people, I think it helps them throughout their lives.
‘My friend, Donna Gradstein and I wrote a children’s book called I Can Handle It (Jeffers Press, 2006) and there are 50 stories about little kids facing various problems in their lives and handling them. On one page is the specific problem where the child in the story says, “But I can handle it.” On the opposite page, the child handles it and ends with the words “See, I can handle it. Whatever happens, I can handle it.” By the end of the book, the children will have heard or read the phrase “I can handle it” 150 times. If the parent is reading the book to the child, then the parent says the same affirmation “I can handle it” 150 times. Powerful for both parent and child!
‘Repetition is important. You can read a self-help book and get a lot out of it but unless you follow through and use the exercises in your daily life, it’s not going to make much of a difference.
‘I’ve been teaching this material for 25 years and I still have affirmations to remind me because the internal “Chatterbox” is always there. Negativity comes into our lives all the time, so we need reminders. I wish that they did teach confidence at a much earlier age by simply letting people know that they have an immense amount of power within them to handle whatever happens.’
What other techniques do you recommend to help people feel more joyful, happy or abundant?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Humour is so important. On my desk, I have a statue of a laughing Buddha. I might be sitting there lamenting about something and I look at my laughing Buddha and realise that he doesn’t care that he’s fat (laughs), he doesn’t go to the gym, he doesn’t care that he’s alone or poor… he’s happy and he makes me laugh about my situation and put it in perspective. I think laughter is so important. I laugh a lot.
‘You have to learn to laugh, even about the serious things in life. For example, I had a mastectomy and I never had a breast reconstruction but I have a prostheses. I joke that my husband is the only one who can take his wife’s breasts with him wherever he goes. He can put one in his suitcase if he wants.’ (Laughs) ‘Humour is a very, very important thing.
‘I think commitment to learn the tools, to use them in your life every single day is important. Someone said to me, “You know, I read and I read and nothing takes.” I said, “Nothing takes until you take it. You have to take one exercise that you love and use it until it becomes relatively automatic. Then learn some more. It’s a life-long process.
‘I was talking to my daughter one day and I was complaining about something and she said, “Mom, go and read your book.” (Laughs) Yes, it’s a lifelong process.
‘Learning the art of appreciation is also so important. Strangely, I learnt that when I worked with the poor in Manhattan. So many of them appreciated everything they had in their lives. They were remarkably giving and it was an amazing experience to be with them.
‘I also think it’s important to have “friendly” friends and what I mean by that is not to have “Moan and Groan Society” friends – if you are with people who are always complaining, you want to go home and take a shower. Quite honestly, I dropped the friends who were very negative. I used to be one of them but now that I tend to be a very positive person, I love to be with people who are also positive and who laugh a lot. There are certainly a lot of them out there and that is wonderful.
‘I also know that saying “thank you” a lot helps you focus on abundance because you constantly realise how much beauty is in your life.’
How do you suggest a coach best supports someone who is facing a fear?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Don’t let them take the role of a victim. Show them that they can be the creator of their experience. That they can handle their reaction to whatever happens to them. In fact, I say in one of my books that if you seek counselling in any way and the counsellor supports the victim mentality and says, for example, “Oh you poor thing, if only your mother had stayed home instead of working” then run away as fast as you can. It’s important to be grateful that you were fed, you were dressed, and you went to school and then move on to create a beautiful life for yourself. Stop using other people as an excuse for living an unhappy life.’
You talk about creating a ‘wondering’ life instead of a ‘hoping’ life. Is there really a difference?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Oh, yes. Hoping has an expectation behind it. “I hope I get married by the time I’m 30.” If you say, “I wonder if I’ll be married by the time I’m 30” you become the observer. You’re watching your life and you’re not caught up in the drama. You have the understanding that whatever happens, you’ll handle it. I see a huge difference between the two.’
That sounds like a Buddhist teaching. Is that something that has influenced your life?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Yes, it has. I love the Buddhist philosophy among other philosophies. I’m not a religious person. I am a spiritual person and by that, I mean all the tools that I create or have learnt are about moving from the weakest part of who I am to the strongest, most loving part of who I am. That to me is a spiritual process. It’s to live as much as you can in the arena of the Higher Self, the best of who you are. I have a vision of a light, an energy that we can tune into which can guide us. What I believe so much about intuition is tuning into the energy that draws you to what is best for your life.’
When you confront fears, do you believe in jumping in headfirst or dipping your toe in the water?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Whatever works for you as a human being. There are no rules. Whenever somebody says they have THE answer, I’m suspicious. In Embracing Uncertainty, I talk about the whole concept of “I don’t know”. We don’t know anything for sure – it is all based on our experience, our learning, but it could change. I talk about using the word “maybe” in Embracing Uncertainty. So you say, “This is the best way to do it… maybe.” Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.
‘As a coach, it’s important to understand that. You give people tools and they move forward at their own pace. Before I divorced my first husband, it took me two years to have a readiness and I think unconsciously I was doing little things to prepare myself – making new friends, getting new interests – so by the time I decided I was going to get divorced, I was ready.
‘People say, “I don’t know why I can’t leave my husband/wife, it’s a bad relationship.” The answer is, “It’s because you’re not ready.” What you have to do as a coach is to provide more and more tools to help people become stronger. One day, they will be ready… maybe. (Laughs)
‘It took me years to decide to leave my job, which was such a wonderful, successful job, but I felt I wasn’t growing any more. I’d been there eight years and it was time to move on. It took me two years to become ready to do that. I remember they had given me a 10th anniversary party and I felt bad because I knew the day was going to come when I would leave. A couple of months later, I woke up one morning and I knew it was the day to do it.
‘You have to trust yourself, ask your subconscious mind what’s the best step to take and then forget about it. Automatically you seem to move into the right direction if you have trust in yourself.
‘I was fine when I did let go and I resigned from my job. I had saved a lot of money. I had met the man who would become my second husband and I moved to England to be with him. I was there for three years. That was where I originally tried to sell my first book. Nobody over there was into self-help at the time. I come and speak there now and I have to tell you there is such a dramatic difference in the openness of the people in the UK. When I was there originally, there were no self-help books, just psychology books by Freud, Jung and so on.
‘When I couldn’t sell my book, I said to my partner (now husband), “You know, I love you but I’m leaving. I have to go back to the United States where they’re more open to self-help books.” Thankfully, he moved with me – he was a television producer – he’d produced I Claudius and other wonderful television shows. So, we moved to Los Angeles. The book sold within the year. There was energy behind it. My new agent loved it.’
When you made a commitment to it then it sold?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Exactly. Commitment and readiness. Afterwards, when Mark moved over to the US to be with me, we got married. Our relationship is phenomenal. I feel so blessed. My daughter came to me on her wedding day and she looked at Mark and me and said, “Thank you for showing us what love looks like.”’
Is fear a guide to someone’s life purpose?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘Very often. First, every time you try something new you’re going to experience fear. The things we want the most are often the things we most fear approaching. We just have to learn the tools for pushing through it.
‘Some people are very happy in a very laid back life and they don’t need to push through things. They must have some form of contentment gene within them that allows them to do that and that’s beautiful. Everyone is different, just as with parenting: I know there are women who love it. I tease my son that he’s responsible for my Bachelor’s Degree, my Master’s Degree, and my Ph.D.… (laughing) anything to get out of the house. There are people who are content with it; I just wasn’t. It was fearful going back to school. But I did it anyway. It’s all about learning and growing – we’re all on a journey and we do our best to take what’s in our lives and do something creative and loving with it.’
What advice would you give someone who is struggling with fear? Is it worth ‘taking the plunge’?
Dr Susan Jeffers: ‘At your own pace. Your fear is your workshop. If you’re afraid of leaving the house and getting a job, that’s your workshop and so you have to learn the tools that help to do it.
‘Everything in our lives can teach us something. I think if we can see it that way it really helps: what lessons am I going to learn? For example, I call relationships the greatest workshops going. As I explain in The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love, if a problem comes up in a relationship, don’t be upset. It’s a great opportunity! Say to yourself, “This is something I have to work on within me.” Pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass [to look at yourself rather than the other person]. “What is it about me that can be changed? Do I need to get out of the relationship? Do I need to react differently to certain things that are happening? Do I need to become more loving?”
‘If a problem comes up, it’s not bad: it’s just your clue that something needs to be learned. To me, that’s a powerful way to go through life.’
FURTHER INFORMATION
For more information about the work of Dr Susan Jeffers and to receive her monthly newsletter, please visit her website at www.susanjeffers.com.
*Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway® by Susan Jeffers, 20th anniversary edition, published in 2007 by Vermillion.
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